Guilt

Is the web of guilt tightening around you more and more as you struggle to understand the intense feelings surrounding the guilt? What are the things that trigger this intense feeling? How can one maintain their own sense of health and well-being when guilt brings on feelings ranging from powerlessness, frustration, resentment, anger, shame, sadness, and of being out of control? Does guilt define your actions on a regular basis? Are you doing things in life that you don't necessarily want to do but feel you have to do them or you feel guilty?

Guilt can impact every aspect of one's life physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Guilt may make you vulnerable to an illness, stress your relationships, cause burn out in a job, and make you fearful of God. Understanding the triggers is the first step in being able to change the emotions related to guilt. Guilt can be a good thing if appropriately attached to a crime for instance, but many people feel guilty as they hold onto feelings about their self worth. They don't feel good enough, they feel selfish if they are not constantly giving to others trapped in the web of good intentions. They feel that they need others to appreciate them or provide them the recognition and approval in order to feel that they are good. They may feel that their actions and service to others defines them as a human being. Guilty feelings can produce intense fear. Fear that one is a bad person, condemned to hell and not forgiven for sinning can be devastating for individuals. They are unable to let go of the feelings of inadequacy and yearn for approval and acceptance from others to show their worth as a human being. They are always striving to do better and if something does not go the way it should they are usually the first ones to say they are at fault, even if it is something completely out of their control, such as the weather. For example, if someone was planning a party outside and it happened to rain on the party, the person carrying the guilt would be the first one to say "I'm sorry, it rained." It is easy to get caught up into the situation as if it is your fault for the rain. If someone can't find something, the person will say "I'm sorry." You can learn to approach the situation differently by practicing saying something without assuming the "fault" of the situation, be positive. For example, one might say "Don't worry about the rain, everyone still had a great time being together and having fun" and "Can I help you find your missing item?"

Guilt can come from many different triggers such as religious background, cultural influences, and families. Religious upbringing can bring about strong feelings of guilt. Heaven and hell are ingrained in children as they grow up. They are punished by their misdeeds and threatened that hey may go the hell if they are not good. What is the definition of "good"? Some words used to define good as described in a dictionary are "of high quality, suitable, skilled, excellent, virtuous, kind, undamaged, honorable, valid, helpful, genuine, and obedient." Can anyone live up to the expectations of always being good? You are human and you must accept your humanness.

There are also significant cultural influences related to guilt especially associated with the different genders. For example, women are sometimes made to feel guilty if they do not have children whether they have chosen to have children or were unable to have children. Does this make them less of a woman? Men may have guilt associated with financial stability when a problem may arise related to paying bills and being able to provide adequately for their household.

The guilt associated with families can be the most intense. Guilt can be learned as a child from statements made from parents, grandparents and siblings. For instance, the following statements are triggers for guilt. "If you love me you will do this for me," or "I've done a lot for you in my life," or "You owe me this because of all I have done for you." These triggers for guilt can be passed down generation to generation and when one hears these comments from families or others the web of emotions begin.

There are different steps you can take to decrease the emotions of guilt. First, understanding and recognizing the triggers of situations that bring on guilty feelings can help in learning to let of of these feelings. There are certainly times that one must proceed with an activity they may not like to do. When this happens, recognize the feeling and emotion of guilt and work through the negative energy that arises by focusing on positive thoughts. Journal the feelings you may experience during these times to help with the release of emotions you may be holding onto in your body. Second, know that the person that makes statements triggering the guilty feelings also have feelings of fear, insecurities, self doubt, and a need for self love. Acknowledging this in the other person can help decrease the fear of their reactions to the boundaries you must set with them as well as the intensity of your own feelings at the moment. Next, recognize our biggest judge of ourselves is ourselves and we need to learn to set boundaries courageously. It takes a lot of courage to set boundaries with co-workers, friends, and families in a loving and honest way. Your co-workers, friends and family may react to these boundaries initially and you cannot control their response. However, through time and persistence, they will learn through your example that choosing positive thoughts will lift their energy as well to appreciate the possibilities of being free from the pain of guilt. It takes courage to stand up to people lie this especially your family. Even if they do not like it or respond negatively which they will, you need to believe that is is OK to live the life you want, a more positive, happy, and healthy life. They have chosen the life they live and you have a choice too on the life you want to live. It does not make you selfish or uncaring, you can still give and show love to otters but with boundaries so that your own energy and health is sustained.

Value the sensitivity of yourself for even having the feelings of guilt but you need to also understand and identify the truth about the problems of guilt and work on freeing yourself from the web of guilt. Being healthy means taking care of yourself and balancing your own self-care with caring for others. You have a choice to be free from the web of guilt and improving your life.

Start viewing yourself as an innocent child, learning the behavior that is important in succeeding in life. An innocent child knows how to play and have joy and learns to choose a positive attitude. A child needs love and is loved. A child can give love freely and without guilt. What kind of world would this be if we could all trust God is a loving, forgiving, compassionate, and caring God that only wants each of His children to be comforted and full of joy? Start each day as if it is your last, wash the slate clean, let it go, surrender it and start again focusing on new beginnings.

Forgiveness

(Picture is "Heart Path" angel by artist Heidi Kujat)

Is there something in your life that you are holding onto and have been unable to forgive or forget? Is it a forgiveness of another person that hurt you or is it something you did that you are unable to forgive in yourself?

Forgiveness has deep rooted emotions that are held onto such as hurt, pain, sadness, betrayal, guilt, and anger. TO be able to be fully the person you deserve to be one must work through these feelings in order to forgive an lead a life of peace and joy. The Law of Forgiveness states that whatever you cannot forgive holds you in bondage. This repression holds on tight and prevents you from truly living an enlighten life. Whether the forgiveness is related to another person or an event, or related to something you specifically did, it is important to understand why it is held onto so deeply and why you are unable to release these emotions. The feelings related to forgiveness can be a result of triggers from past history or to your religious upbringing.

If forgiveness is related to something you did to another or an event, holding onto these strong feelings may be a result of your religious background. Many religions instill fear into people as a way to ensure right from wrong. Therefore, when one does something that is not congruent with being "right" then that person is a "bad" person, a sinful person. Is God going to forgive them? When a religion does not truly show compassion for an individuals predicament and bans them from their community, does this really show forgiveness? This can then scar an individual so that they then hold onto this feeling of shame or guilt for the rest of their life.

After understanding some of the responses to forgiveness, start with being kind to yourself and know that to get beyond the emotions of forgiveness will result in bringing your power back to you in a positive way. An exercise that can help is to spend some time in silence in nature or some other place that provides you the quiet time needed. Write down what forgiveness is all about for you. Is it about losing a job, a betrayal of a spouse or friend, a betrayal you did to someone? Write down all the feelings that come up related to this in a journal or piece of paper. Give yourself the time to express any and all feelings related to this situation. Then place the piece of paper/journal in a secure space for a couple of days. Let it just be. After a couple of days or as long as you would like it to be, take the paper/journal and release it back to the universe through ceremony or a ritual. You can burn it, rip it up, bury it or whatever else you would like and imagine it being surrendered to the universe. Know that holding onto these emotions prevents you from fully being in power, the emotions have a hold over you. Repeat as you destroy your paper the words, "release, surrender, letting go." Then as you end your ceremony, be grateful for the lessons learned from the Law of Forgiveness and trust that God loves you and your unique humanness. The closure you will experience will bring you the peace of harmony and help you move forward to the future full of possibilities without the limitations of the past.

Self-love

Are you able to say "I love myself?" Are you able to say "I like myself?" Are you going through the motions of life with work and family but holding onto the feelings of self hatred? How do you start feeling better about yourself?

This discussion will focus on the opportunity to begin feeling better about whom you are as a person. There are "little things" that can create a hugh difference in how you feel about yourself. Practicing these concepts with concentration, focus and surrender will help you to know the power of you.

What is it you do not like about yourself? Is there a thing from the past that haunts you in the present or that you cannot let go? Why are you holding onto the situations of the past? What lessons can you learn from the past and bring into current time? Does the past bring up fear, guilt, anxiety that has resulted in shame and self hatred now? Understanding where some of the self hatred comes from is the first step in understanding how to let go of the emotions of self hatred.

First, you may want to write down what it is about you that you do not like as a person. Even if there are things you don't understand and are not sure of why there are these feelings, it's OK. Just give yourself 5 minutes to write whatever it is that is creating the feelings of self hatred. Then put the journal and/or paper down and start a new page. On this page write the things you like about yourself. You may struggle with this, but each day as you practice some of the concepts try to also write down positive things about yourself.

There are simple things to start with that can help you see how easy it is to put yourself down. How many times have you received a compliment from someone whether it is about your hair, outfit, or something else you have done and you immediately downgrade the compliment? For instance, when someone compliments your outfit, you might say, "oh this old thing has been hanging in my closet for a long time" or "It's the only thing in my closet that fits me now, because I'm getting too fat." Instead of immediately coming back with some retort to the compliment, try just saying "thank you." You will notice at first, that this is not so easy to do, but as you practice and become more aware it will become easier. Even if you say something negative, you will begin seeing and recognizing the situations more and has hard as it might be, be persistent in trying to simply say "thank you." Try catching yourself making the negative comments about yourself. If you do say something negative, shake it off and remember next time to just say "thank you." Persistence is the key.

Another "little thing" to start working on is to start saying "I like myself." Force yourself to say this phrase no matter how hard it may be. Plan a time during the day to focus on saying this phrase. It may only take 5 minutes 3-4 times a day but really concentrate on saying the phrase over and over. You may want to start by writing the phrase and then repeating it back out loud verbally. Do this for several days or weeks until the phrase becomes less fearful and is easier to write and say. You can also start putting this phrase on a post it note and post it on your mirror at home, in your care, or a place at work that is visible to you. After this phrase becomes more natural, start looking in the mirror at yourself and repeating this phrase while looking at yourself. It's amazing how this "little thing" can enhance the experience. This may take a much longer time but be patient with yourself and surrender the feelings of inadequacy or any other negative feelings. Journaling your experience and emotions can help during this time period. Sometimes just writing down and expressing yourself can result in a releasing feeling.

The next step is to start saying "I love myself." Repeat the same sequence as noted above. As you become more aware of your feelings and emotions during these exercises, appreciate the strength and courage it took to love the uniqueness of you. There are many people in this world that have a negative outlook about their self and just go on living life in a cloud. This is the time to move through the cloud and create a life of happiness and opportunity by learning to surrender the old feelings of self hatred and focus on learning how to care for oneself with the first step of self love.

Self-Acceptance

What are the inherit issues related to self-acceptance? Why are we so hard on ourselves and feel the sadness of self-doubt and insecurities? Who is this person inside this physical body? Do we love who we are physically, emotionally, spiritually? What can we do to believe in the beauty of our being? These are just some of the questions that may arise as we search for the answers in daily living.

As we explore the concept of self-acceptance, one must understand the lessons learned from their past history, illnesses, and emotions to be able to grow in strength and wisdom. The significance of one's past history cannot be dismissed. Historical events can have a lasting effect on one's outlook on self and life in general. Parents may influence their children's self-esteem by simple words or actions. Illness can shift a person's whole focus on life either physically or emotionally. A traumatic event, such as divorce, or death of a loved one can also impact one's being. All of these past events are part of every one's life and can produce intense negative emotions that are held onto in daily living. These negative feelings from the past events can trigger the insecurities of self-doubt as similar situations occur in present time. Understanding where these emotions and feelings are coming from and that past events can suddenly trigger similar feelings in the present can help in allaying the self-doubt. There are some steps that can be taken to help in decreasing the impact of historical events. First, recognizing where these feelings are coming from can help decrease the intensity of the emotion. Knowing that past events have triggered the current feelings can allow you the space to heal and look at the present situation with a different attitude. Second, ask the question of what lessons can be learned from the past. The question and answers need to be phrased in a non-biased, matter of fact way without getting into typical answers like, "to show how stupid I am," or "because I'm a bad person." Answer the question that would show loving kindness towards you, you may want to answer it as if you were answering for another person. (We are often kinder towards others than ourselves). One answer may be, "I understand now that I wanted so much to be loved that I married the wrong person and I will learn to understand this feeling and make better choices in the future," or "I don't understand why I had to become ill, but it taught me how to be aware of the importance of taking care of myself."

Honor and respect the lessons of the past and learn to support yourself the way you would support others with similar situations. As per Lee Kaiser, one can "change" their past by focusing more on the lessons learned. This creates a new way of looking at the past and promotes healing in a positive way instead of only looking at the past negatively as a victim.

How would you respond to another individual that had similar situations in life and feelings of insecurities and self-doubt? Look at yourself with the same eyes and know you are a good lovable person.

Self-acceptance means being kind to yourself.
Self-acceptance means honoring yourself.
Self-acceptance means respecting yourself.
Self-acceptance means nurturing yourself.
Self-acceptance means surrendering and releasing the past.
Self-acceptance means forgiving yourself.
Self-acceptance means believing in yourself.
Self-acceptance means accepting your humanness.
Self-acceptance means choosing to see your beauty.
Self-acceptance means appreciating your uniqueness.
Self-acceptance means focusing on the positive not the negative in yourself.
Self-acceptance means being patient with yourself.
Self-acceptance means being able to say you like yourself.
Self- acceptance means being able to say you love yourself.
Self-acceptance means loving yourself.

The Beginning...

What words of encouragement can I provide someone that has just heart the diagnosis of breast cancer? The words come as a shock. The word cancer alone can invoke fear. There is fear of the unknown, fear of illness, fear of death. You can't even imagine what it all means at the time. You are numb and uncomprehending. Did you really hear what was said? This cannot be true. I was feeling pretty good, exercising, eating well, but stressed with work and family situation. Then the other word sinks in, breast. Breast cancer, wow the two words together sounds formidable. Breast, breasts indicates something with sexuality to most. If you were ever at all insecure about your sexuality related to your looks and your breasts, this also deals a blow to your ego.


After hearing the words, the realization comes that you are not dreaming. You were just told you have breast cancer and now you now without a shadow of doubt your life will be changing forever. At that moment your life does change forever. You may not understand in what way it will change, but you know it will.


How do you tell your husband, your family, and your friends? Something like this is so personal it is hard to relay to people that your whole world has changed in an instant. You try to be strong, but as you say the words to others, it sounds like it is coming from someone else, in the distance. Is there an echo? Who is saying those words, " I have been diagnosed with breast cancer."? Yes, you are saying them, still not sure what it all means and what all the treatment will be yet.


First you say, I don't have time for this to happen, I'm involved with many projects, deadlines, and important items at work. You realize later how funny those words are especially when you are fighting for your life. The projects, deadlines, and whatever else was happening at the time start to seem insignificant. You go through the motions of hand off to others the work that you thought defined you as a person. You worked hard to advance in your career, but now what was it all worth? The answers do not come right away.


Your co-workers, friends, and family try to provide encouraging words, but many do not know exactly what to say. You are sad that you have caused them to be uncomfortable and unsure of what to say. You also know you are blessed that they are there and still wonder if your relationships will also change as you start your new path in life. The conversations are not as personal as they could be, you try not to reflect the fear you hold in your heart right now. How could you ever display how huge the fear is, in fact you try to deny the fear in yourself as long as possible.

The treatment involved starts to begin. There is no clear understanding about what all the treatment means, what will happen to your body, and what will happen to your mind and spirituality. At first, you go through the motions, listening to treatment options, deciding on treatment options, and planning the times for the treatment. Soon, you want to keep moving forward with the treatments and start even planning the next one, knowing that you are moving closer to healing and a cure. When a treatment is delayed related to labs or other indicators that prevent you from continuing with the original timeline, you actually become disappointed in the delay. This only prolongs the moment when you are told you have finished all the treatment, whether it is surgery, chemotherapy, or radiation. As you go through treatment you will see many other people going through different phases of their treatment and you will automatically develop a connection with them whether you meet them personally or not. The look in each of their eyes tells all. It is a knowing look that only someone that is going through the same thing can feel. One small glance and you feel like you have known that person all their lives. You are connecting at a different dimension, intuitively and as one.

The treatment may just be beginning, but know that you are not alone. There is a guiding Spirit that knows you better than you know yourself. The process will help you to know yourself in a new way. Life will be looked at differently and more valued than you can ever imagine. Know that this is actually a gift that will enable you to enjoy life to its fullest and develop compassion for others in a different dimension then this world. I hope that by hearing my story we can go through this journey together as one and knowing that this experience will transport you to a pathway to joy.